Dear God, please give me patience…
Patience, by definition, is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
This is something I try to practice everyday. I say practice because it is really, really, really hard for me to be patient. I am an impulsive person; when I decide I am going to do something, I do it, like right that second, and I am always super excited about it. I will spend hours working on a project, even to a fault. When I was in high school and college I loved to paint. I would set up an old sheet, a canvas, and paints in my parents’ garage and paint until 2 or 3 in the morning because I couldn’t stand and unfinished painting! I don’t like to take no for an answer. When someone tells me I can’t, you better believe I will. My family might even consider me a little bit of a “brick head” because I can be stubborn (slightly bratty may define it better) when I want something done my way. For the most part, I consider all of these things good traits until something I can’t control stands in my way.
I am so use to taking things into my own hands. When it came to soccer, I would practice drills in my backyard, run on my own outside of practice, and have my dad do sprint drills with me around the track in Boyne City during the summer. I knew it was up to me to be the best player I could be. When it came to college, I went to class, I studied, I joined multiple organizations at Central Michigan to ensure I got good grades and “prepared” myself for adult-life. When it came to jobs/careers, I cold-called businesses I wanted to work at, introduced myself, and told them why I would be a great employee. I didn’t want to send the standard electronic resume, I wanted to go the extra mile. My point of all this is that I try to take life by the philosophical balls and go for it.
I think that is why dealing with infertility has been a little hard for me. I literally have no say and no control over how and why I am able to/unable to get pregnant. Over the past few years, I have tried to control it by switching my diet, changing up exercise, seeking medical treatment, trying acupuncture, seeing a chiropractor, working on a positive attitude, and praying. Don’t get me wrong, I know all of these things help put me in the best position possible to conceive but it is still not a guarantee. < Not being a Debbie Downer, just being a Rhonda Realist. I have come to realize that this whole thing is bigger than me and instead of praying and focusing on “it happening” I should be praying for and focusing on cultivating patience, faith, hope, and love.
What is really ironic is when I was looking in old boxes for a few pictures for this post I found a journal from 1999. What I read hit me like a ton of bricks. The first thing I saw was a prayer for patience vs. a prayer for doing well in my soccer game. The next thing I saw was a sentence saying, “The best I can do is try my hardest.” So patience and positivity are things I have been working on for a long time, which confirms patience is a practice and not a destination. I don’t consider it a coincidence I would find this specific journal (I literally have tons) on the exact day that I wrote a post about patience, I believe it is some sort of confirmational sign from God.
I think faith, hope, and love go hand in hand with patience. You have to have faith that everything will work out the way it is suppose to, you have to have hope that a miracle will happen, and you have to have love for yourself, your situation, your spouse, and your entire support system.
I have had waves of sadness, anger, confusion, negativity, acceptance, peace, and positivity over the past two years. I can’t even say I know what I will feel like every single day. Life is an experiment and we have to go with what the day brings! Feelings are not wrong and it is healthy to experience all emotion but focusing on cultivating patience, faith, hope, and love is much more rewarding than focusing on the negative.
Infertility and the emotions that come along with it is my biggest personal struggle right now, which is why I am able to relate it to so many things in my life. It doesn’t consume me but it is something I think about daily. I assume if it something I am struggling with, there are others struggling with it too. If you are that person, I hope you know you are not alone! I hope that you too can find the strength to pray for patience, to find it within yourself to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
If you are struggling with something hard I really encourage you to write about it. Find a beautiful journal that speaks to you and just let the words flow from your heart. It doesn’t have to be pretty, proper, or put together. All it has to be is raw and from the heart. Releasing pent up emotions will lift the burden off of your shoulders and you will feel better, I pinky promise.
I really want my blog to be a platform for women to support one another, a place where women can feel comfort, and know they are not alone. I am asking YOU to share YOUR STORY. Is there something you have been struggling with? Something that makes your heart hurt? Something you don’t understand? Something that makes you angry? Something that makes you feel alone? NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to share it. I am asking you to email me your “story” and I will periodically publish them as anonymous. It is your chance to share with the world. You will find a release, you will find peace, and you will gain strength. You can send your story to firstname.lastname@example.org.
You can read more of my story:
I hope to hear your story.